My studies anew ...

In choosing English to start to build confidence in skills not used in a while, until I was able to type both my email essays to family, then onto my dip into the blogging world. Finally getting the chance to take three exams, in the summer term of the last academic year, purely by chance.  

This gave me the confidence, with a little help it those that took time to care, to take the next plunge into a year long exam course. This subject encompasses my computer studies I embarked on this year too. English is such a subject that it will develop so many skills, as I progress, plus for me personally, in gaining more knowledge that had become so lost, in my time away from the world, temporarily.

This continues my passion where I had left off with learning independently. I had been teaching myself so much, that on becoming a widow, I was finally able to get up to speed on emails, and all that had happened while I had to cope alone with another's complexities ... Where my time was so lost ... 

Stable Saturday

... mood wise ... Absolutely nothing to do with horses ... Despite the opportunity of doing horse riding for a time... many moons ago ... with swimming too, at the end of the ride ... in those teenage years 

I will be kept busy with English now alongside.... practicing computers skills (since June) on a daily basis ... It will  be such a change and challenging too

And it looks as though I might be here a tad longer to access the city's opportunities to finish acquiring new skills, before I get to my destinational goal ... It will become apparent... as I move through this academic year ... 

World Weird

Inside that no-one can see, I am focused on my English on Thursday, whilst silently dealing with the panics of the space and people at that moment, but feel so far away. And on the outside seemingly  getting on with this week's lesson. 

Finally, the introductions and getting on with what we were there for... With two lots of homework and for me three... To finish my assessment...it has been noted the shambles of two, not one assessment ... 

The sun was smiling again ...

today on the 23 rd ... a year later also ...

enjoyed a rare time out in the home; in the fact I pushed the curtains back, to enjoy today's glorious dawn of the sun and the orange red sky ... just as we used to here ... With the sun shining in; where I sit or lay ... 

Took the day gently. I had a good tidy, clean and thorough airing of the home ... opening windows, airing the bed and seating areas, to cleaning all the areas currently able to ... a deeper clean and more decor in need of doing ... which is what I am aiming for ...

And enjoyed the mid week roast, I planned yesterday ... it was a toss between breakfast out or having a roast in ... The roasted veggies sending the aromas out from the oven today ...  breakfast out, I will do another day still ... 

Whilst doing all of this, I had plenty of ideas formulating in my mind as always, and so used to, as I was going about, doing the necessary and perpetual tasks of living ... Noticing as always my pattern of behaviour and legacy of lost; run like clockwork life to living with complexities and re-finding the life I love ... 

I chose to honour ...

...my late Dad with a more challenging WIP blog debut today; with a sneaky peak of my handicrafts. 

We had plenty of discussions (in our precious catch up time after many missed seasons of time so lost, and my re-discovery of life; after the challenges of being with my late husband) ... And what I could design, make and more ... He had put in a request for an item; unfortunately by this time he was deteriorating fast and so to my zest for things were still limited at that juncture ...

I have yet to overcome good light and colour and show how soft the yarn can be and stitch definition and so forth... in capturing these project images ... another challenge to keep me busy ... let alone concentrate ... it will be slow progress ... as it evolves ... and adjusts ... rather like me ...

And it will finally show my portfolio, and hope this will not be lost ...  like so much already ... that I never had time to say about in the midst of my grief and loss ... when they cleared ... 

Electric Transferred to new upgraded supply cable ...

today which did not affect me. I attended my computer course and came home via the supermarket laden with goodies to do a midweek roast tomorrow to celebrate Dad; instead of being too sad. 

We are entering the relentless time in our family on from my late hubby and a cousin, to Dad, followed a few months later with a Uncle who passed away between Christmas and the New Year, a cousin who was tragically killed in a Road Traffic fireball in the Spring and then his Mum, my late fathers sister more recently ... all who we had close contact with ... we have a large family ... consequently more close contact with some than to others despite the distance in miles ... 

Across the miles ... no matter  ... with social media etc ... although the matriarch in Dad's family still organises family get together's ... latest being her 85th ... 

Once Upon a Clear ...

Once upon a clear, 

When it was up to my ear. 

And happened once the horse

Had but bolted, and not in due course,

When a life or two was at stake. 

And one that it eventually did take,

And all for the sweat and tears, 

And those budgets and times sake,

Was the end of one dear life, at a end of one year.

it has certainly helped

In charting through progress and loss and much more besides 

All the haze in a maze of confusion and conflicts. Getting on even though it is one teeny tiny move forward and enormous leaps back 

Caught and catching up with the viral world and passed on tech from sis to learn since just playing games basic knowledge and research into my vocation before the care of Mum role as school days progressed blended into carer and it all and me was lost 

To now being a student and rookie blogger

Turned into a Terrible Thursday and then A Frightful Friday ...

had no idea what the weather was doing on Friday and did not venture out... The week consisting alternate day in ...  then getting out  ...  which is interesting ... erratic too ... missed computer studies. I did manage to get to English ... 

For about 36 hours ... it has taken to feel myself again ... after becoming despondent and slipping and fading ... therefore took some rest time and plenty of fluids. I made plans and many films later with appetite returning a tad ... back on track for the minute ...

I have not slept in the right room ... that happens from time to time ... I snuggle down in the room where I am most comfortable as that was where we spent those final days ... again only daughter knows my ways from that time and I am now who I am ... 

Thoughtful Thursday ...

into the raw world tomorrow or later today ... where I went before ... for the English Assessment re-take ... a new environment to get used to and a bus journey when the buses are likely to cut out ... Where is my world ... that is the quandary of late perpetually ... the wet and wind ... the sirens ... tonight ... good job I was not asleep ... interrupted my thoughts and back to the world around ... not quite ... if ever be in tune with it all ... On Friday is budget check and then back on task in the kitchen I hope ... with tomorrows task of getting to English and the trials of that ... 

Do I or will I ever be back on course in this life; that took quite a big detour ... with so many new things all at once and the faces that have come and gone after seeing none for a while ... 

Where from there
There from where
There to here
Here to now
Now from here
Only I know how
From when then and how
It has been seen and left
Even the cold did not get told
Until one left bereft

• How this mind works months later ... 
• Dealing with a death left from a meeting of agencies not actioned and a series of unfortunate events during a recession leading to a death in what is a silent secretive part of society ... 
• That is more common than you think ... 
• And still not quite understood; despite many programs on the subject of hoarding which does not quite touch the subject in quite the right manner otherwise my late husband would be here ... 
• And it eventually affects not only mental health but physically health ... 
• I did not escape unscathed ... lack of nutrition in final days and a serious skin infection over most of the body ...

A Productive Progressive day ...

mind well occupied with blogging ... ideas for the kitchen; with items discovered in my de-clutter and cleaning ... listening to music. Fathoming out a lot of problems still facing me. And so forth. 

My plans are still to get to London; visiting places of old, you do not need much money ... travel and refreshment costs are covered in my budget. I am not interested in the mass market of tourism ... I am there to get used to the environment again. And being on my own travelling as I wish. 

There is so much choice ... Victoria ... Bird Cage Walk ... Westminster ... South Bank ... St Pauls ... The Mall ... South Ken ... Knightsbridge... Harrods ... Hyde Park ...  need to settle and make my mind up ... is it the same trip as last visit with cousin or down memory lane with my late hubby or new memories with the Geffrye Musuem ... 

By Mid Week ...

.... achieved a good chunk of the goals set for this week ... 

The improved electric supply wire all fitted, ready for the transfer of electric ...  It was not without the struggles of memories, best left where they are, with the removal of unneeded belongings. The paperwork I  am slowly working through still. It never ceases to amaze; how much can be stuffed in a cupboard

I am still to check up on my English. I am all set ... for the start of the year, other than the start date. It is free and a check up of the criteria and proof who you are to access it; it is not online. 

I was telling my family when you are advised to live in the here and not be anxious about the past and the future. I have every right to be anxious ... it happened ... hubby died when no-one listened to us ... That is what happens, I am left to live with it. What we are anxious about ... it happened ... to us ... 

Plans for the coming week ...

... Monday to Wednesday is preparation for the works in the cupboard to be done this week. And to have my meal out that is one of two planned plus to down and upload images ... on the wifi out for a change seeing as I have my something to personalise.

And I might need to chase up my English confirmation ... to enable me to organise my next appointment with the CC because I will now be starting a years worth of English ... Then work on my care plan goals and de-clutter to continue alongside the daily functions and the need to get some shopping and my medication too ...

All ... In a title ...

All in a title ... Frantic Friday or Frisky Friday would have different connotations for me at the moment. Although appropriate for a week ends in my late husbands humour... and all those who who like innuendos ...

As it is I better not be too cheeky ... 

It would or might be considered offending ... to me I could write a whole different book of words. Again one of the many tips on blogging ... is to write only what you would like your Mum to read ... I always think outside the box ... and anyway enough is written on all subjects good and bad as it is ... thanks to the introduction of the internet ... www ... social media and more ... 

In fact when I sent my first blog link to our daughter ... with aged eyes I typed only one wrong letter ... it was enough to take you to a very x rated or 18+ link ... as a Mum I had tried to avoid such degrading images to her for years ... in one second I had directed her ...  to the worst kind ... we all had a laugh at that ... and still do ... No matter how old we are ... some images are best not for for the public domain like this ... to accidently come across ...  it can be offensive ...

So much change after social isolation ... to ...

COOP in Dartford in Kent
Boarded up 2015

deal with ... a recession and no longer seeing certain shops open or restructuring of my local towns and buildings still standing but derelict 

This Co-op used to be well frequented. My memory is struggling as to when we last visited as a family. As with a lot of things time has merged. Many suggestions been made into making a memory book... to help recall ...

When I was in Asda in Dartford for very the first time using the escalator; it suddenly started talking ... I was not used to that ... talked and laughed back at it; while everyone around seemingly being par of the course to them. To me it was a totally new experience...

It has not quite been quite understood what I have faced; in living back in the world ... so to speak ... and experiences and time that has passed me by ....

Wicked Wednesday ...

.... into Thoughtful Thursday and work out some creations awaiting the back order of yarn to come and get started on sisters gift ... something to look forward to doing of a evening; and get sent for sister to snuggle up with ... 

... to help with my thumb injury recovery, I purchased some ergonmically designed hooks and circular knitting needles ... to get it gently back in to use ... it felt weird when first out of its casing with the nail missing ... it still plays up ... not letting it stop me from doing what I enjoy ... so adjusted in investing in comfortable equipment ...

And I always remember the surgeon joking ... I probably do a better job of stitching up than he did ... always the usual conversation about what you use whatever you injure for ... to take mind off work in hand ... as it was fixed and stitched ... 

And daughters been baking cakes to celebrate the now full house; for the new year start in their new digs ...

To a Terrific Tuesday ...

into a wicked Wednesday ... producing more mind boggling words that churn around as I drift off to sleep and will not be satisfied if they are not put in to these wonders of a blog or few ...now able to finally do ... and see the lovely way it can be displayed ... worked ... planned and used with all the designs ... backgrounds ... text ... fonts ... styles available to individualise ones creations to share ... inspire and discover what everyone can do ... 

... capturing the rain drops in images ... to places visited in past times and rediscovering myself after those lost seasons ... although bittersweet ... absolutely at peace doing what I do and done ... once again ...

All the images ... words ... ideas ... plans ... thoughts ... designs ... colours ... without  interruptions is pure bliss ... in trying to make sense of this life that is now here .. for me ... our daughter and the wider family 

And to eventually research ... relearn ... subjects on subjects ... with my take on them ... I tried to do ... but not quite ready to do ...  in depth writing at present 

And really interested in studying ... it seems to be evolving to what I have been doing recently ... or a key worker on an island ... both can be on an island ... it will be an interesting year to come ...

And all thanks to those few who had such faith ....