Living by a River ...

and in my formative years living by an estuary near the coast, it is a part of life to learn and appreciate the tides and currents and when safe to swim or not ... do you get to appreciate natures fury on and in the water. 

Unfortunately a surge of water can come unexpectedly at times, but knowledge if you have time to act, in the power of water that only a small amount can knock you off your feet. This was heeded by us when it was decided that my daughter and I evacuated one season when we lived by a river in Kent, on notification of a flood warning. The river peaked just at the brim of the river. Phew.  

The power of water when swollen, cannot logically get under a bridge. Is not in the advising of police officers assisting in helping the public in these moments, until more recent times from the latest bout of flooding to hit the UK, after a policeman in the past was washed away in Cumbria some years ago.  

I Believe I Have Been ...

posting blogs for about six months now ... I remember starting with one about the time it would have been our twenty-fourth wedding anniversary and honeymoon ... We always reflected on those two weeks away from this country ... we had planned to go back ... again on our bucket list ... that is for daughter and I to do so ... she would like to travel to there too ... We hired a boat for one week and a car for the following ... such was the thoughtfulness of hubby to my roots ...

As a Precaution ... Yesterday ...

Early in the morning on waking up from my sleep, I had palpitations, breathlessness and lightheadedness and feeling strange to normal anxiety ... I first phoned 111 ...

Long story ... short ...

Taken to the local hospital A & E via an ambulance to check all is well ... the last time through those doors was with a throbbing thumb after crushing,splitting and breaking my thumb needing plastic surgeon care and numerous stitches... the waiting area had changed and was with more of a view of outside ... it seemed airy and spacious with pleasant staff ... 

On arrival I was immediately checked out again ... with another hook up on the numerous pads stuck on my body by the ambulance crew to the ECG ... although in a curtained cubicle ... well knowing what it is like with people milling about you ... I was on display to the world and his wife ... thankfully that ECG was also OK confirming the paramedics original result ... 

Next was a wait to have a blood test ... duly done ... then again to see the Doctor for results etc and phew ... I could go back home ...

The Change in My Shopping Ways ...

Since living in a medieval environment 

I became carried away with the time out today ... and my own shopping habits ... since that time end with my late husband. I have gradually but definitely noticed the change from Duke Of Edinburgh style food to conventional foods to starting and thinking about family and my favorite recipes 

Christmas Memories and More ...

Memories of long, long ago 

Homemade Christmas Yule logs ... school displays of our decorated Christmas cakes ... remembering Christmas before hubby and with my family while at school  

• An angel handmade sitting on top the tree 
• Snowmen handmade for the mantle piece 
• Homemade Christmas Crackers 
• All those handmade cards we make 

All timeless activities year in year out if we celebrate these occasions. In the later years with daughter understanding about all the different festivals across the world, just as I had done with the Girl Guides and Scouts when I grew up ... with all their traditions not just in this country but across the world ... 

My outfit one Christmas raises a chuckle. It is of a frilly white blouse with black knickerbockers ... The mickey taking of our outfits back then ... these were shop bought ... 

Summer Memories 

During the recent visit of my daughter looking at what was different in the de-clutter; she happen across a photo, she was fascinated as to how old I was ... the photo my late husband treasured of me at 18 ... in a homemade dress ... wearing a boater hat ... I was known for my hats and belts ... just as my daughter and her peers years later ...

A Walk Tomorrow ...

More rain tomorrow ? ... Only last weekend when we were in Eynsford ... on sharing the River Darent memories from when we were once in the area. How that river dried up on moving in further up on that same river ... back in the 90s ... to the naughty noughties; to within a whisker of flooding ... The time span of a riverbed dried completely out to very very nearly flooding on many occasions ... on the turn of the Millennium 

The irony we were flooded whilst living there ... not by the river while we lived by the side of it .... but from some burst water pipes up on the hill; which came cascading down through our village at that time ... 

The Walk Yesterday ...

showed the colours of the seasonal changes; which gave me a much needed lift to do the mundane things ... the colourful array of fruit and vegetables ... the twinkly array of goodies from Autumnal to Wintry Wonders and not just Christmas ...

It is an exciting time to shop ... too stressful for some ... I step back from doing the mundane tasks to enjoy the sparkly time and not getting wrapped up in the consumerism ... I look at it as a treat to shop when there is an exiting array to have a tiny treat for what you require to nourish for this weekend to come for a quiet celebration personal to me 

A Walk out to ...

do the mundane things in life ... to me I am actually getting out the home with no clambering through unnecessary clutter ... 

• To post a letter
• To pick up meds that have been increased 
• To shop
• To re-book medical appointments 

All those daily tasks denied those who are probably still in a situation I once was ... it is never far from my thoughts ... how we live ... 

Reminders Rather not ...

A most helpful time to have an aim ... let's still how this develops ... after all I can now get on with those plans ... only thing my mood has drastically dropped ... this quarter of the year is most difficult to get through without those unnecessary reminders of that time ... especially post illness when the mood naturally drops ... 

What Tomorrow Could Bring ...

A batter to mix
Into a Eves Pud, maybe
A door to fix
And I hope to see
Progress in a recipe
Inspired memories of long ago
Eating that special soup
And making new tastes too
With what I have in stock
And all those things ad hoc

Inspired to try a recipe ...

from the TV and I will go and get the ingredients and cook it ... I still value that. I appreciate in this time, that now once again I can do that ... The frustration and loss from inspiration on accessing the kitchen to do this ... again was not appreciated ...

In fact I came back from my family with a recipe last year, I still not made and cooked it myself yet 

What was the norm and then not ... 

It was usual for me to be engrossed in recipes on the TV ... unfortunately and eventually I very much lost interest. I have not done this in the last few years ... I have been given several recipes, especially for one, from thoughtful family on my recovery ... 

The recipe tonight is similar to the recipe from last year ... I am coming back ... 

In fact my sister asked what I had planned for the weekend, as did the dentist last week, as does everybody as is. I said I was making soup and a fruit pud. It will now be a savoury Bisto inspired tray bake ... mood dependent ...

Brownie In a Mug ...

student life flows from daughter to me. We were both highly amused at her Mum starting out again especially in the kitchen where we have a shared history of grief, beyond the loss of part of this family ... but the post hoarding replacements of unnecessary disorganisation of taken good stuff and leaving the rubbish ... 

And starting over again ... 

More Sparkles ... this time Fireworks ...

The most twinkly, pretty, diamond, sparkles and swirls of light I have seen for a while exploding in the sky ... but then it was Disney themed ... and set to the popular music of Disney ... my daughter was pleased I went to see them last night ... she stayed local to her uni ... 

She has been enjoying her placement at a school as part of her teacher training and was doing the marking of her pupils work, the night before. She has also enjoyed the lesson planning and taking the classes assigned. And working alongside her mentors, whilst learning this vocation. 

This Day Started Well ...

despite some dizziness today ... I was recalling the movies of all decades and particularly the black and white and cinematic colour films of very old .... I had the chance of watching while resting from a day or two constantly on the phone to caring health professionals when I reacted to meds etc 

I had to reiterate my current plans yet again .... until several emails later ... sorted ... 

I will attempt my cooking plans tomorrow ... hopefully a more peaceful day getting better ... It is a slow recovery with swift investigations as in these cases when something needs solving that is not always simple ...

A Bit Of a Sparkle

is returning each month that moves on by ... When I get to clean an area that became cluttered and now back in daily life order .... Using a bit of the rituals of the daily chores that keep it looking pleasant on the eye ... Only last year with time spent with my dying Dad away from this home ... I found every time On returning back home I could see how jaded this home had become ... 

Sights and smells missing so much from this home that once was ... The vibrancy of a once happy family life ... too giving the incentive for just me at the moment in time ... 

A Lot of New experiences ...

along with my sense of loss on loss on loss and more ... those who need to know and those who don't. This has made for a more interesting time than I had envisaged as my nest emptied of the kids ... 

Only today on chatting with more professional people realising with my recent health dilemmas on top of other things ,,, I have certainly been through a lot ... Yes I have ... and so to have others with different obstacles to overcome ... we are all unique with a unique but similar at times life we lead as we breathe on this earth ... 

I have achieved and seen a lot of lovely new things in all of this and with the graciousness of the knowledge of my late husband wishes if he went before me; which unfortunately he did ...

I too have met some fascinating people I might not have met had circumstances been different ... all in all, in adversity there are many blessings ... and taking time out to enjoy the simplest things in life too ... has given me a bit of joy again ...

My Medical Appointment ... All Strange ...

Hospital car park

but familiar new ... first time I been back in a hospital since I spent time with daily visits last year with my late Dad ... although in a different county ... another obstacle overcome ... although a bit stricken that my late husband was not here for moral support today either ... 

All smooth going today: apart from the fact I had to have an external scan as well ... to check a particular area. 

At least I have caught up with another check on my health ... is the way I see it ...

And the swiftness of the NHS when you are in need of a quick resolution to your health ... yet again for me personally ... 

I enjoyed the magnificent view while I was here and had a walkabout too before my appointment ...

After though I could not get back home quick enough ... it was extremely busy in places and a little overwhelming at times ... for someone still getting used to the outside world and its workings ... again 

Colour in Dull

The colour in the photos whether dull or bright raises a smile especially after tears of times rather not remember so much now ... And happiness in all photos in recovery of my new happier times sure reminds me of life as once was ... And using time wisely in capturing moments so easily ignored if we rush by ...

Halloween Half Term

Today...on entering Asda in half term week it was good to see simplicity in the Halloween display of a supermarket 

Pumpkin Patch 

Beautiful pumpkins all in a row in display units and simple outfits on the mannequins, none of the unnecessary gore that gets associated with this time of year...

Plenty of pumpkins in all shapes and colours ... for simple decor... 

Variety in a Day Week Month and time ...

Amusing oneself when regaining strength from a rather trying time without more trying times. The adverse reaction to the new meds to help solve a new health dilemma ... and without both my late husband and Dad ... with Dad being there for my thumb crush injury and now not too ... 

As in my life always plenty to do to fill the time ... until I am ready to re-join the world again ... which at times I wonder if I ever be ready ... I look usual on the outside more so as time moves on .. but inside is another matter altogether ...

And I seem to be one of a few taking photos like a kid in a candy store I relish this enjoyment I now have to have undisturbed time to enjoy at times what surrounds us ... and the seasonal change ... where although I have missed chunks of time again this time to my own health ... time is my own now ... and while I have it I will try and capture some of those precious moments that all too soon will be gone ... as our lives move on and forward ... and only these images remind us of what once was ... along with our memory ... if our mind keeps well ... 

Confidence in Calm

and keeping busy while regaining my strength ... it was good to get to see a park here in the garden of England, to see again the grounds maintenance and care that gives us these public areas to enjoy. 

It is lovely too that in the past, when my husband was alive, we used to visit gardens of all kinds. And not just family or friends, but National Treasures and the local charitable garden walks in the locality, where people opened up their gardens to strangers. 

And although he was too ill at the time, the local World Garden which supported the lottery funded film Hidden Histories film our daughter participated in. This garden at Lullingstone Castle was one of the last I visited with our daughter when the film was being promoted there, before she went to uni.

One of my bucket list places is The Lost Gardens of Heligan in Cornwall to visit in the future ...

Presentation Preparation and Publishing ...

the wonders of all those who too had ideas and put into action these to share with the world, to enjoy too, so we could all have a chance to electronically log privately, unlisted or public, with  interaction or not and all the many types of social media ... all neatly wrapped up with tools ... to help give it a polished look ... and for those housebound or not and I have said often before ... we can experience jumping out of a plane, for example, without actually doing it ... thanks to on board cameras and posting it on the net ... for all the bad things put on the internet there is a lot more good ... 

I was looking through my various portfolios ...

of photos whilst my left ear was recovering. And that very same day I posted my last blog here, I had the very start of another ongoing health dilemma since that day. Only now although weak; my mind is starting to try to form sentences again ... just as I like ...

Last week I was keeping busy revisiting and sifting through my various portfolios of my recovery and doing some housekeeping on them ... 

• The usual ones of nature and landscapes and various filtering 
• The few craft items I have finished mainly in yarn craft 
• WIP on designs in both knitting and crochet and some sewing crafts ... and embroidery ... Which are all very therapeutic 
• Designs are there in this yarn craft ... but not in fruition ... as it used to be ...
• And of course charting the two homes from the clutter days of loss ... through to now ... 

Blue Water .... From Early Days of Loss and grief ...

Memory Lane from a week gone by of special times ... now on my own ...

A rare event in the early days of widowhood ... from many breakfasts on way back from school runs via Blue Water
photo taken on one of the early phones passed on from sis ... and not really interested in life at that time ... a bit of sitting here lost in time remembering the many, many times here before social isolation

We came here a lot to enjoy the setting of this one time largest European shopping centre set in a quarry and have a meal

Thanks for the ... and to the precious time of everyone!

I am alone in my thoughts, but never, not really alone. I talk to the wall and now too I talk to my blogs and last but never least I chat away to those too, who happen to pass by and glance at these array of words, formed from my part of our world and these experiences I have here in this segment of the planet ... 

It never ceases to amaze me, how we have many forms of communications now, which reaches across all spectrums of media, from those who brought this about and put into action. It is not always fully understand that these opportunities have opened up a whole new world to explore, especially if you struggle in other forms of communications or to get out for so many different and varied reasons 

My studies anew ...

In choosing English to start to build confidence in skills not used in a while, until I was able to type both my email essays to family, then onto my dip into the blogging world. Finally getting the chance to take three exams, in the summer term of the last academic year, purely by chance.  

This gave me the confidence, with a little help it those that took time to care, to take the next plunge into a year long exam course. This subject encompasses my computer studies I embarked on this year too. English is such a subject that it will develop so many skills, as I progress, plus for me personally, in gaining more knowledge that had become so lost, in my time away from the world, temporarily.

This continues my passion where I had left off with learning independently. I had been teaching myself so much, that on becoming a widow, I was finally able to get up to speed on emails, and all that had happened while I had to cope alone with another's complexities ... Where my time was so lost ... 

Stable Saturday

... mood wise ... Absolutely nothing to do with horses ... Despite the opportunity of doing horse riding for a time... many moons ago ... with swimming too, at the end of the ride ... in those teenage years 

I will be kept busy with English now alongside.... practicing computers skills (since June) on a daily basis ... It will  be such a change and challenging too

And it looks as though I might be here a tad longer to access the city's opportunities to finish acquiring new skills, before I get to my destinational goal ... It will become apparent... as I move through this academic year ... 

World Weird

Inside that no-one can see, I am focused on my English on Thursday, whilst silently dealing with the panics of the space and people at that moment, but feel so far away. And on the outside seemingly  getting on with this week's lesson. 

Finally, the introductions and getting on with what we were there for... With two lots of homework and for me three... To finish my assessment...it has been noted the shambles of two, not one assessment ... 

The sun was smiling again ...

today on the 23 rd ... a year later also ...

enjoyed a rare time out in the home; in the fact I pushed the curtains back, to enjoy today's glorious dawn of the sun and the orange red sky ... just as we used to here ... With the sun shining in; where I sit or lay ... 

Took the day gently. I had a good tidy, clean and thorough airing of the home ... opening windows, airing the bed and seating areas, to cleaning all the areas currently able to ... a deeper clean and more decor in need of doing ... which is what I am aiming for ...

And enjoyed the mid week roast, I planned yesterday ... it was a toss between breakfast out or having a roast in ... The roasted veggies sending the aromas out from the oven today ...  breakfast out, I will do another day still ... 

Whilst doing all of this, I had plenty of ideas formulating in my mind as always, and so used to, as I was going about, doing the necessary and perpetual tasks of living ... Noticing as always my pattern of behaviour and legacy of lost; run like clockwork life to living with complexities and re-finding the life I love ... 

I chose to honour ...

...my late Dad with a more challenging WIP blog debut today; with a sneaky peak of my handicrafts. 

We had plenty of discussions (in our precious catch up time after many missed seasons of time so lost, and my re-discovery of life; after the challenges of being with my late husband) ... And what I could design, make and more ... He had put in a request for an item; unfortunately by this time he was deteriorating fast and so to my zest for things were still limited at that juncture ...

I have yet to overcome good light and colour and show how soft the yarn can be and stitch definition and so forth... in capturing these project images ... another challenge to keep me busy ... let alone concentrate ... it will be slow progress ... as it evolves ... and adjusts ... rather like me ...

And it will finally show my portfolio, and hope this will not be lost ...  like so much already ... that I never had time to say about in the midst of my grief and loss ... when they cleared ... 

Electric Transferred to new upgraded supply cable ...

today which did not affect me. I attended my computer course and came home via the supermarket laden with goodies to do a midweek roast tomorrow to celebrate Dad; instead of being too sad. 

We are entering the relentless time in our family on from my late hubby and a cousin, to Dad, followed a few months later with a Uncle who passed away between Christmas and the New Year, a cousin who was tragically killed in a Road Traffic fireball in the Spring and then his Mum, my late fathers sister more recently ... all who we had close contact with ... we have a large family ... consequently more close contact with some than to others despite the distance in miles ... 

Across the miles ... no matter  ... with social media etc ... although the matriarch in Dad's family still organises family get together's ... latest being her 85th ... 

Once Upon a Clear ...

Once upon a clear, 

When it was up to my ear. 

And happened once the horse

Had but bolted, and not in due course,

When a life or two was at stake. 

And one that it eventually did take,

And all for the sweat and tears, 

And those budgets and times sake,

Was the end of one dear life, at a end of one year.

it has certainly helped

In charting through progress and loss and much more besides 

All the haze in a maze of confusion and conflicts. Getting on even though it is one teeny tiny move forward and enormous leaps back 

Caught and catching up with the viral world and passed on tech from sis to learn since just playing games basic knowledge and research into my vocation before the care of Mum role as school days progressed blended into carer and it all and me was lost 

To now being a student and rookie blogger

Turned into a Terrible Thursday and then A Frightful Friday ...

had no idea what the weather was doing on Friday and did not venture out... The week consisting alternate day in ...  then getting out  ...  which is interesting ... erratic too ... missed computer studies. I did manage to get to English ... 

For about 36 hours ... it has taken to feel myself again ... after becoming despondent and slipping and fading ... therefore took some rest time and plenty of fluids. I made plans and many films later with appetite returning a tad ... back on track for the minute ...

I have not slept in the right room ... that happens from time to time ... I snuggle down in the room where I am most comfortable as that was where we spent those final days ... again only daughter knows my ways from that time and I am now who I am ... 

Thoughtful Thursday ...

into the raw world tomorrow or later today ... where I went before ... for the English Assessment re-take ... a new environment to get used to and a bus journey when the buses are likely to cut out ... Where is my world ... that is the quandary of late perpetually ... the wet and wind ... the sirens ... tonight ... good job I was not asleep ... interrupted my thoughts and back to the world around ... not quite ... if ever be in tune with it all ... On Friday is budget check and then back on task in the kitchen I hope ... with tomorrows task of getting to English and the trials of that ... 

Do I or will I ever be back on course in this life; that took quite a big detour ... with so many new things all at once and the faces that have come and gone after seeing none for a while ... 

Where from there
There from where
There to here
Here to now
Now from here
Only I know how
From when then and how
It has been seen and left
Even the cold did not get told
Until one left bereft

• How this mind works months later ... 
• Dealing with a death left from a meeting of agencies not actioned and a series of unfortunate events during a recession leading to a death in what is a silent secretive part of society ... 
• That is more common than you think ... 
• And still not quite understood; despite many programs on the subject of hoarding which does not quite touch the subject in quite the right manner otherwise my late husband would be here ... 
• And it eventually affects not only mental health but physically health ... 
• I did not escape unscathed ... lack of nutrition in final days and a serious skin infection over most of the body ...

A Productive Progressive day ...

mind well occupied with blogging ... ideas for the kitchen; with items discovered in my de-clutter and cleaning ... listening to music. Fathoming out a lot of problems still facing me. And so forth. 

My plans are still to get to London; visiting places of old, you do not need much money ... travel and refreshment costs are covered in my budget. I am not interested in the mass market of tourism ... I am there to get used to the environment again. And being on my own travelling as I wish. 

There is so much choice ... Victoria ... Bird Cage Walk ... Westminster ... South Bank ... St Pauls ... The Mall ... South Ken ... Knightsbridge... Harrods ... Hyde Park ...  need to settle and make my mind up ... is it the same trip as last visit with cousin or down memory lane with my late hubby or new memories with the Geffrye Musuem ... 

By Mid Week ...

.... achieved a good chunk of the goals set for this week ... 

The improved electric supply wire all fitted, ready for the transfer of electric ...  It was not without the struggles of memories, best left where they are, with the removal of unneeded belongings. The paperwork I  am slowly working through still. It never ceases to amaze; how much can be stuffed in a cupboard

I am still to check up on my English. I am all set ... for the start of the year, other than the start date. It is free and a check up of the criteria and proof who you are to access it; it is not online. 

I was telling my family when you are advised to live in the here and not be anxious about the past and the future. I have every right to be anxious ... it happened ... hubby died when no-one listened to us ... That is what happens, I am left to live with it. What we are anxious about ... it happened ... to us ... 

Plans for the coming week ...

... Monday to Wednesday is preparation for the works in the cupboard to be done this week. And to have my meal out that is one of two planned plus to down and upload images ... on the wifi out for a change seeing as I have my something to personalise.

And I might need to chase up my English confirmation ... to enable me to organise my next appointment with the CC because I will now be starting a years worth of English ... Then work on my care plan goals and de-clutter to continue alongside the daily functions and the need to get some shopping and my medication too ...

All ... In a title ...

All in a title ... Frantic Friday or Frisky Friday would have different connotations for me at the moment. Although appropriate for a week ends in my late husbands humour... and all those who who like innuendos ...

As it is I better not be too cheeky ... 

It would or might be considered offending ... to me I could write a whole different book of words. Again one of the many tips on blogging ... is to write only what you would like your Mum to read ... I always think outside the box ... and anyway enough is written on all subjects good and bad as it is ... thanks to the introduction of the internet ... www ... social media and more ... 

In fact when I sent my first blog link to our daughter ... with aged eyes I typed only one wrong letter ... it was enough to take you to a very x rated or 18+ link ... as a Mum I had tried to avoid such degrading images to her for years ... in one second I had directed her ...  to the worst kind ... we all had a laugh at that ... and still do ... No matter how old we are ... some images are best not for for the public domain like this ... to accidently come across ...  it can be offensive ...

So much change after social isolation ... to ...

COOP in Dartford in Kent
Boarded up 2015

deal with ... a recession and no longer seeing certain shops open or restructuring of my local towns and buildings still standing but derelict 

This Co-op used to be well frequented. My memory is struggling as to when we last visited as a family. As with a lot of things time has merged. Many suggestions been made into making a memory book... to help recall ...

When I was in Asda in Dartford for very the first time using the escalator; it suddenly started talking ... I was not used to that ... talked and laughed back at it; while everyone around seemingly being par of the course to them. To me it was a totally new experience...

It has not quite been quite understood what I have faced; in living back in the world ... so to speak ... and experiences and time that has passed me by ....

Wicked Wednesday ...

.... into Thoughtful Thursday and work out some creations awaiting the back order of yarn to come and get started on sisters gift ... something to look forward to doing of a evening; and get sent for sister to snuggle up with ... 

... to help with my thumb injury recovery, I purchased some ergonmically designed hooks and circular knitting needles ... to get it gently back in to use ... it felt weird when first out of its casing with the nail missing ... it still plays up ... not letting it stop me from doing what I enjoy ... so adjusted in investing in comfortable equipment ...

And I always remember the surgeon joking ... I probably do a better job of stitching up than he did ... always the usual conversation about what you use whatever you injure for ... to take mind off work in hand ... as it was fixed and stitched ... 

And daughters been baking cakes to celebrate the now full house; for the new year start in their new digs ...

To a Terrific Tuesday ...

into a wicked Wednesday ... producing more mind boggling words that churn around as I drift off to sleep and will not be satisfied if they are not put in to these wonders of a blog or few ...now able to finally do ... and see the lovely way it can be displayed ... worked ... planned and used with all the designs ... backgrounds ... text ... fonts ... styles available to individualise ones creations to share ... inspire and discover what everyone can do ... 

... capturing the rain drops in images ... to places visited in past times and rediscovering myself after those lost seasons ... although bittersweet ... absolutely at peace doing what I do and done ... once again ...

All the images ... words ... ideas ... plans ... thoughts ... designs ... colours ... without  interruptions is pure bliss ... in trying to make sense of this life that is now here .. for me ... our daughter and the wider family 

And to eventually research ... relearn ... subjects on subjects ... with my take on them ... I tried to do ... but not quite ready to do ...  in depth writing at present 

And really interested in studying ... it seems to be evolving to what I have been doing recently ... or a key worker on an island ... both can be on an island ... it will be an interesting year to come ...

And all thanks to those few who had such faith ....

One Sensational Saturday ...

29-8-15

Inspired so much for the coming change of seasons ... words ... images ... a design for a special birthday in the forthcoming fall ... holiday plans ... a definite RSVP to an invitation without hesitation ... studies to prepare for ... other plans ... still to strive for a few plans ... still not done ... all hope to come to fruition ... all should help settle to finish the painful things still left to face and do ...

Plans afoot for the next holiday season ...

... during the late summer Bank Holiday for the winter seasons festivities ... one young couple .... two widows ... and more will be sharing an important meal of the year ... this coming Christmas ... I had decided to spend Christmas away ... during July ... time to spend the festivities elsewhere ... to experience new areas and new people will be a bonus ... I had tried to do that in the year my late husband died ... all those that said he had control over me ... do not know us ... I was ready to leave and sort the situation before it became the crisis ... thank you ... no-one controls me ...

Walking Through The Debris...

Swanley Park Late Summer 2015

...





From Friday Fireworks... mainly biodegradable card from last night's fireworks ... this is the area they are set off ... youngsters were hanging off the trees to the left ... a story behind every picture ... sat here a while on one of the plentiful park benches ... the benches had been repaired throughout the park for yesterday's event ... It was busy ... despite being overcast  ...

Watched the dusk fall and ...

Managed to get to these fireworks ... after all ... and stayed the full amount of time ... and this photo ... missed some seasons of these Bank Holiday Fireworks ... made the most of seeing the light display ... through my eyes ... not always through the camera ...

One of the other times I attended this park ... when it was so packed ...was thirteen months ago to watch Mama Mia ... an open air cinema performance kindly booked by daughter ... to give me the opportunity to experience life again ... doing the different new things that one strives for ...

When we look back over the last few years we have achieved quite a few catch up times together ... of attending the things we once did ... still lots to catch up on ... one being getting to France ... on a trip that did not happen ...

Changeable too ...

The weather is so changeable too ... the 1812 Overture Bank Holiday Fireworks I believe today ... used to be a long family tradition ... first time the only one left here to go ... if so wish 

Daughter busy with Uni prep work and one to one Volunteering to give parents some respite over the summer holidays ... a brilliant concept for those who are socially unacceptable ... daughter seeing again how cruel people can be ... 

Dreamt father-in-law was still alive again ... and realising Dad is not in my waking hours ... strange and more ... 

A quiet time today ...

to adjust some more... the sun was shining ...it must be a cloudy sky and a gentle breeze rustling the trees from what I can see and feel ... adjusted the plans for today ... and hope to get to do additional ones ...we shall see by the end of the day ... 

Conflicts ... contexts ... vividly ... vitality ... faded ... and jaded ... hope to see some more images captured through the lens ... to forget all these and remember what will come ... instead ...

Yesterday was yesterday ... today will be today and tomorrow what brings ...

Journeys near or Far

Thankfully so much to do in one way and nor in another ... but to shake off all the bad and not look at my surroundings will be the day I .... then I had to go and have therapy and now my doubts are back ... I will never be the same ... I can still live ... 

Legacies ...

Hopefully by October another item from those bad days should disappear from the budgets ... thankfully with a lot of support from floating support not until the late Spring after being handed over from the HA Crisis Team not the team that should have coordinated my care too between all the agencies involved ... after the fateful death  ... relied on my those who should have been be there too ... to  support me too with the professional help so lacking when so needed ... a lot was written off ... and has it should have been I didn't have to pay for re-connection to the gas and it got upgraded thanks to the MP and my family ... whilst I was in early days of mourning .... a battle that should have been with a lot more ease than was and certainly with less stress for my family ... who were dealing with the ripple effect of the shock waves to hit them too ... and what had happened to three members of their family ...

Harvest Time ...

2015

So thinking of those special times with Dad on those childhood memories of the past seasons spent in the kitchen preparing the bounty from nature for freezing jams pickling and the wines etc etc etc 

And with the Brownies Guides Young Leader ...collecting for both Harvest and Christmas etc etc etc 

A Very Special Summer ...

2015

Many Graduations ... a few weddings ... a birth of another nephew for daughter's boyfriend ... many milestones ... one very special would have been ... My sis in the coming Autumn too ... we are close in age ... and passing my first exams able to now sit ... in peace from a very difficult time that was ...

A good start to my next decade too ... since last year ... still working on my weight goal and able again to do activities like dance again ... 

... more like line dancing now rather than ballroom or country .... as joked on recovery star time .... early last year ... and one day being able to dive gracefully into the water again ... rather than ... an almighty splash .... 

Hope to repeat this ... this week ...

in our other village of memories and those first times of arriving in this county 

Tentative plans ...

• A day from our dating days 
• Your resting place and a drink 
• P.S. I love you  ... time 
• A meal in your favourite restaurant
• My hair done 

Exploring unfamiliar areas ...

and taking photos to the amusement of many ... the trouble with not being in a popular area ... our town often gets moaned about ... my photos and the historical ones in the local library and the local film made ... say otherwise ... 

August 2015

There is beauty in everything ... sometimes ... yes ...  you have to seek it  ... especially as I did in those lost times ... and I would not be who I am now ... 

Wonders of Nature ... on a Kent Country Walk on a stormy August Summer Day in 2015

Up close and wet ... would like to have walked through the fields ... but with the lightning flashing around and walking on my own thought it was safer to stay on the lane ... if I ever get over the fear of being outside and start travelling on my own this will be of paramount importance ... 

Lots of changes among the timelessness of the villages I had been updated pictorially by our daughter ... now seeing with my own eyes ... only so much you can capture in photos ... she had not seen the established wood along part of this area I was visiting where we once lived near. 

It was beautiful despite the stormy skies surrounding this stunning environment .. just glad to experience it again after so long of being enclosed in an unusual home with a complex situation 

Time out ...

A Wednesday week before In August 2015

The wonders of time out ... not very relaxed ... lost my bus ticket ... not in mood for talking to strangers ... but had to ... but at least structured the day to help with normality to me ... met a fellow service user I see from time ... to time ...

Thoughts ...

A day of going round in circles in my head ... bad enough when other people do it to you ... when it is yourself ... what can I say ... you can't escape it ... and a wall of silence is also what we contend with ... I can fully understand those moments some of us unfortunarely get to face ... it is not a case of dealing with it and getting over it quickly 

When you have an onslaught and perpetual time of it ...even the strongest person can collapse ... as it did with my late hubby ... and very nearly myself 

Constant Conflicts 

As my persona to my mind 

Unfortunately no-one will find

That whilst I live and appreciate the goodness now

When such lack of judgement to us

And the indifference and fuss

About everyone but 

The one who was to die

When you do see my appreciation 

No-one will never really know how much to me it means 

As once my faith went so lean 

Getting quicker ...

Less than four minutes

To compose the glut 

Of these words 

Not always heard 

As I know of past 

But now they will but last

As they echo 

And reverberate 

From this mind that is now mine 

My dear ones too

Noticed I live at a different pace so

But so it is advised to take things slow

Unfortunately though life tells different 

But when you feel this low

And had such indifference showed

You are bound to be less than swell 

When living others dwell

My dear ones have noticed habits new

Of being bemused at a few 

Of my obsessions too 

Like a dog who won't let go of their toy 

I'm now never coy

After events so horrific

I have now finally become prolific

To get these events across 

To feel less cross

If it helps at least someone

And their loved one 

Being Below Par

Being below par 

And still a lot to do by far

Usual bath of scents 

For everything to make more sense 

Ventured out to put meds on order

To keep mood above border

Finished last weeks shop too

In shops tried to go through

The wind whipping through thee

A train rumbling under on the foot bridge 

 In all it's din, did alarm a smidge 

Slow mood

Slow mood today 

But did go out my way 

Even though I'm hopping mad

To finish the shopping not had
From yesterdays sad

With the wind I did see 

Whipping through me

 I was not really glad
On getting back a cup of char
To get me more above par

Inappropriate Behaviour

This is a funny one ... excuse the pun ... my laughing just tickles people when to me it can be inappropriate as recently only I noticed when out for a meal in the North West England  ...

another week of ...

listening or not as case maybe ... and another load of nonsensical days ... intimacy was also lost on life ... but then for a few seconds to a whole lifetime ...

The Kitchen ...

Trying to break the cycle of tossing things aside ... after working on the space back on the counters and using the cupboards that  I can now access ... keep forgetting they are there ... And it is not just the kitchen ... 

Although I am still catching up with normal daily functions of going out more regularly alongside this ... I get so erratic ... after everything I have lost ... nothing really matters except happiness and .... 

Not Everyone in the situation we faced ... have family ... or are from estranged family ... friends ... from society too or withdrawn or .... shunned

A sad fact is not everyone has a family or are estranged from family or friends or are shunned or withdrawn or whatever the unique individual situation happens to be  ... it is such complexity of the mind and will never be an exact science ... but some people are using basic common sense ... when faced upon a situation  ... of say hoarding for example ... and notify the relevant people ...

... however ... on my in-law stuffed home .... a utility company did nothing ...

What I said then .... Now is being said

Finally ... what I said in the first few months ... nearly three years later ... finally hearing ... trying to be positive as finally ... I could have more than done with it in the very, very, beginning ... It is about me now ... too late ... for the past  ... it is now done ... this is where the inner being and conflicts will never be seen ... or felt ever  ... by another ...  living soul ...

The Worst Thing Anyone Can Say ...

... You have your daughter .... her wedding .... grandchildren ... etc ... to look forward to ... when you are newly grieved  ... it is the last thing you want to hear ... you want to hold on and never let go ... one of those many moments in life ...that frequently come and go ...

... on this occasion you know you will never touch their warm body and hear their heartbeat ever again ...

And anyway your child might never marry and have children ... her Dad is not here to walk her down the aisle is another matter ...

Yes it is Summer out there ...

Fresh Air  ... Fresh food ... Stale feelings ... to snap out of these feelings today ... given myself a new focus to think about ... 

And I have been out now ... no bounce in the step ... but the mind feels a tad clearer ... and I'm now watching a film which is making me laugh ... but at the same time ... my focus diverts from it ... 

A Beautiful Sunny Day ... outside ... I think ...

Although in my heart it is grey, I am frustrated today which is never new. Milk and bread is low, no long life in or much bread left in freezer. This is what happens I slip back to those days, I have not ventured out since Wednesday evening. I will either make do with what I have or at least get some of the basics ...

Brief Intro ...

The link in this post ... helped spur me on in raising awareness of the impact of hoarding ... that equate this figure across the country ... that for every major town ... there could be 25 cases of hoarding in the county of Cornwall alone.

Dangers of hoarding prompt appeal from Cornwall County Council

Behind every figure ...  is a person with a family ... it happened to us in a different county ... leading to a fateful end for my late husband ... this picks up on my journey ... nearly 32 months ... coping with the loss ... legacy ... and life as for anyone with living it ... now from there ...