One Sensational Saturday ...

29-8-15

Inspired so much for the coming change of seasons ... words ... images ... a design for a special birthday in the forthcoming fall ... holiday plans ... a definite RSVP to an invitation without hesitation ... studies to prepare for ... other plans ... still to strive for a few plans ... still not done ... all hope to come to fruition ... all should help settle to finish the painful things still left to face and do ...

Plans afoot for the next holiday season ...

... during the late summer Bank Holiday for the winter seasons festivities ... one young couple .... two widows ... and more will be sharing an important meal of the year ... this coming Christmas ... I had decided to spend Christmas away ... during July ... time to spend the festivities elsewhere ... to experience new areas and new people will be a bonus ... I had tried to do that in the year my late husband died ... all those that said he had control over me ... do not know us ... I was ready to leave and sort the situation before it became the crisis ... thank you ... no-one controls me ...

Walking Through The Debris...

Swanley Park Late Summer 2015

...





From Friday Fireworks... mainly biodegradable card from last night's fireworks ... this is the area they are set off ... youngsters were hanging off the trees to the left ... a story behind every picture ... sat here a while on one of the plentiful park benches ... the benches had been repaired throughout the park for yesterday's event ... It was busy ... despite being overcast  ...

Watched the dusk fall and ...

Managed to get to these fireworks ... after all ... and stayed the full amount of time ... and this photo ... missed some seasons of these Bank Holiday Fireworks ... made the most of seeing the light display ... through my eyes ... not always through the camera ...

One of the other times I attended this park ... when it was so packed ...was thirteen months ago to watch Mama Mia ... an open air cinema performance kindly booked by daughter ... to give me the opportunity to experience life again ... doing the different new things that one strives for ...

When we look back over the last few years we have achieved quite a few catch up times together ... of attending the things we once did ... still lots to catch up on ... one being getting to France ... on a trip that did not happen ...

Changeable too ...

The weather is so changeable too ... the 1812 Overture Bank Holiday Fireworks I believe today ... used to be a long family tradition ... first time the only one left here to go ... if so wish 

Daughter busy with Uni prep work and one to one Volunteering to give parents some respite over the summer holidays ... a brilliant concept for those who are socially unacceptable ... daughter seeing again how cruel people can be ... 

Dreamt father-in-law was still alive again ... and realising Dad is not in my waking hours ... strange and more ... 

A quiet time today ...

to adjust some more... the sun was shining ...it must be a cloudy sky and a gentle breeze rustling the trees from what I can see and feel ... adjusted the plans for today ... and hope to get to do additional ones ...we shall see by the end of the day ... 

Conflicts ... contexts ... vividly ... vitality ... faded ... and jaded ... hope to see some more images captured through the lens ... to forget all these and remember what will come ... instead ...

Yesterday was yesterday ... today will be today and tomorrow what brings ...

Journeys near or Far

Thankfully so much to do in one way and nor in another ... but to shake off all the bad and not look at my surroundings will be the day I .... then I had to go and have therapy and now my doubts are back ... I will never be the same ... I can still live ... 

Legacies ...

Hopefully by October another item from those bad days should disappear from the budgets ... thankfully with a lot of support from floating support not until the late Spring after being handed over from the HA Crisis Team not the team that should have coordinated my care too between all the agencies involved ... after the fateful death  ... relied on my those who should have been be there too ... to  support me too with the professional help so lacking when so needed ... a lot was written off ... and has it should have been I didn't have to pay for re-connection to the gas and it got upgraded thanks to the MP and my family ... whilst I was in early days of mourning .... a battle that should have been with a lot more ease than was and certainly with less stress for my family ... who were dealing with the ripple effect of the shock waves to hit them too ... and what had happened to three members of their family ...

Harvest Time ...

2015

So thinking of those special times with Dad on those childhood memories of the past seasons spent in the kitchen preparing the bounty from nature for freezing jams pickling and the wines etc etc etc 

And with the Brownies Guides Young Leader ...collecting for both Harvest and Christmas etc etc etc 

A Very Special Summer ...

2015

Many Graduations ... a few weddings ... a birth of another nephew for daughter's boyfriend ... many milestones ... one very special would have been ... My sis in the coming Autumn too ... we are close in age ... and passing my first exams able to now sit ... in peace from a very difficult time that was ...

A good start to my next decade too ... since last year ... still working on my weight goal and able again to do activities like dance again ... 

... more like line dancing now rather than ballroom or country .... as joked on recovery star time .... early last year ... and one day being able to dive gracefully into the water again ... rather than ... an almighty splash .... 

Hope to repeat this ... this week ...

in our other village of memories and those first times of arriving in this county 

Tentative plans ...

• A day from our dating days 
• Your resting place and a drink 
• P.S. I love you  ... time 
• A meal in your favourite restaurant
• My hair done 

Exploring unfamiliar areas ...

and taking photos to the amusement of many ... the trouble with not being in a popular area ... our town often gets moaned about ... my photos and the historical ones in the local library and the local film made ... say otherwise ... 

August 2015

There is beauty in everything ... sometimes ... yes ...  you have to seek it  ... especially as I did in those lost times ... and I would not be who I am now ... 

Wonders of Nature ... on a Kent Country Walk on a stormy August Summer Day in 2015

Up close and wet ... would like to have walked through the fields ... but with the lightning flashing around and walking on my own thought it was safer to stay on the lane ... if I ever get over the fear of being outside and start travelling on my own this will be of paramount importance ... 

Lots of changes among the timelessness of the villages I had been updated pictorially by our daughter ... now seeing with my own eyes ... only so much you can capture in photos ... she had not seen the established wood along part of this area I was visiting where we once lived near. 

It was beautiful despite the stormy skies surrounding this stunning environment .. just glad to experience it again after so long of being enclosed in an unusual home with a complex situation 

Time out ...

A Wednesday week before In August 2015

The wonders of time out ... not very relaxed ... lost my bus ticket ... not in mood for talking to strangers ... but had to ... but at least structured the day to help with normality to me ... met a fellow service user I see from time ... to time ...

Thoughts ...

A day of going round in circles in my head ... bad enough when other people do it to you ... when it is yourself ... what can I say ... you can't escape it ... and a wall of silence is also what we contend with ... I can fully understand those moments some of us unfortunarely get to face ... it is not a case of dealing with it and getting over it quickly 

When you have an onslaught and perpetual time of it ...even the strongest person can collapse ... as it did with my late hubby ... and very nearly myself 

Constant Conflicts 

As my persona to my mind 

Unfortunately no-one will find

That whilst I live and appreciate the goodness now

When such lack of judgement to us

And the indifference and fuss

About everyone but 

The one who was to die

When you do see my appreciation 

No-one will never really know how much to me it means 

As once my faith went so lean 

Getting quicker ...

Less than four minutes

To compose the glut 

Of these words 

Not always heard 

As I know of past 

But now they will but last

As they echo 

And reverberate 

From this mind that is now mine 

My dear ones too

Noticed I live at a different pace so

But so it is advised to take things slow

Unfortunately though life tells different 

But when you feel this low

And had such indifference showed

You are bound to be less than swell 

When living others dwell

My dear ones have noticed habits new

Of being bemused at a few 

Of my obsessions too 

Like a dog who won't let go of their toy 

I'm now never coy

After events so horrific

I have now finally become prolific

To get these events across 

To feel less cross

If it helps at least someone

And their loved one 

Being Below Par

Being below par 

And still a lot to do by far

Usual bath of scents 

For everything to make more sense 

Ventured out to put meds on order

To keep mood above border

Finished last weeks shop too

In shops tried to go through

The wind whipping through thee

A train rumbling under on the foot bridge 

 In all it's din, did alarm a smidge 

Slow mood

Slow mood today 

But did go out my way 

Even though I'm hopping mad

To finish the shopping not had
From yesterdays sad

With the wind I did see 

Whipping through me

 I was not really glad
On getting back a cup of char
To get me more above par

Inappropriate Behaviour

This is a funny one ... excuse the pun ... my laughing just tickles people when to me it can be inappropriate as recently only I noticed when out for a meal in the North West England  ...

another week of ...

listening or not as case maybe ... and another load of nonsensical days ... intimacy was also lost on life ... but then for a few seconds to a whole lifetime ...

The Kitchen ...

Trying to break the cycle of tossing things aside ... after working on the space back on the counters and using the cupboards that  I can now access ... keep forgetting they are there ... And it is not just the kitchen ... 

Although I am still catching up with normal daily functions of going out more regularly alongside this ... I get so erratic ... after everything I have lost ... nothing really matters except happiness and .... 

Not Everyone in the situation we faced ... have family ... or are from estranged family ... friends ... from society too or withdrawn or .... shunned

A sad fact is not everyone has a family or are estranged from family or friends or are shunned or withdrawn or whatever the unique individual situation happens to be  ... it is such complexity of the mind and will never be an exact science ... but some people are using basic common sense ... when faced upon a situation  ... of say hoarding for example ... and notify the relevant people ...

... however ... on my in-law stuffed home .... a utility company did nothing ...

What I said then .... Now is being said

Finally ... what I said in the first few months ... nearly three years later ... finally hearing ... trying to be positive as finally ... I could have more than done with it in the very, very, beginning ... It is about me now ... too late ... for the past  ... it is now done ... this is where the inner being and conflicts will never be seen ... or felt ever  ... by another ...  living soul ...

The Worst Thing Anyone Can Say ...

... You have your daughter .... her wedding .... grandchildren ... etc ... to look forward to ... when you are newly grieved  ... it is the last thing you want to hear ... you want to hold on and never let go ... one of those many moments in life ...that frequently come and go ...

... on this occasion you know you will never touch their warm body and hear their heartbeat ever again ...

And anyway your child might never marry and have children ... her Dad is not here to walk her down the aisle is another matter ...

Yes it is Summer out there ...

Fresh Air  ... Fresh food ... Stale feelings ... to snap out of these feelings today ... given myself a new focus to think about ... 

And I have been out now ... no bounce in the step ... but the mind feels a tad clearer ... and I'm now watching a film which is making me laugh ... but at the same time ... my focus diverts from it ... 

A Beautiful Sunny Day ... outside ... I think ...

Although in my heart it is grey, I am frustrated today which is never new. Milk and bread is low, no long life in or much bread left in freezer. This is what happens I slip back to those days, I have not ventured out since Wednesday evening. I will either make do with what I have or at least get some of the basics ...

Brief Intro ...

The link in this post ... helped spur me on in raising awareness of the impact of hoarding ... that equate this figure across the country ... that for every major town ... there could be 25 cases of hoarding in the county of Cornwall alone.

Dangers of hoarding prompt appeal from Cornwall County Council

Behind every figure ...  is a person with a family ... it happened to us in a different county ... leading to a fateful end for my late husband ... this picks up on my journey ... nearly 32 months ... coping with the loss ... legacy ... and life as for anyone with living it ... now from there ...